I’ve yet to enter a workplace with proper teams, and I don’t live in the west, but I can imagine this step must have meant so much. I think if there isn’t love in a place meant for the protection and accountability for the people, then we have truly failed to keep in sight the advertised promises of a just world. This was frustrating because I imagine unwillingness is such a frustrating and ignorant quality to not only work with, but want to work on. I’m glad you tried, and I’m glad you knew when to stop doing it, I hope you feel more fulfilled in your civil justice goals now than you did then 💚 thanks for sharing this, and you have a lovely voice with awesome narration skills 📜🕯️
I’m humbled by your perspective and encouragement. Thank you. And I think what you said was so apt, do we all even have the same definition of a just world? Could we be actually working against one another?
Thank you for sharing this. It brought me back to moments when I was asked to champion sweeping values and lead grand initiatives while struggling with how things were actually carried out in practice. I have luckily always had supportive teams — and so your story is harder to bear — but being told to lead when you feel like you have such little ability to is a pain in and of itself. I hope your next chapter is meaningful and abundant; I’m looking forward to following along!
This is such an important conversation - working within systems that were never designed for us. That actually was designed on a foundation of abuse and dehumanizing Black and Indigenous people. I’ve held the belief now for years that it’s impossible to work in these systems without sacrificing parts of your mental health. And I would even say soul. And yet, we still live in a capitalistic construct, so what is the alternative especially for those who don’t align with entrepreneurial work. I wonder what it would look like to let it all crash and burn. Then build something new that is rooted in love. This would require yet even more sacrifice of Black people……
Tavinnaaa! Yes! I love how provocative your reflections are. Thank you. I’m stuck on your last sentence about sacrifice, I’m wondering what part of our identities do we have to sacrifice in order to become free over and over again. I know when I quit my job it is was absolutely a sacrifice, full of grief and loneliness, but I have no regrets, even as the future is unclear.
Your posts have really been igniting and inspiring me. Thank you for sharing. I love that you highlight how freedom is this constant cycle. "Sacrificing parts of our identities," feels more like ego deaths which does lead to more freedom......I like this reframe. I can empathize with the grief and loneliness that comes from quitting your job. Is the loneliness from creating a career path that doesn't exist? It's brave to do this and I applaud you for this!
Tifanei, Thank you for writing this. I have had several ego deaths and rebirths in life and career. One thing rings true. We go through life believing that we must break our backs for systems that are designed to erase our heartfelt humanity even the ones that claim to serve it. We’re meant to work, not feel. Whether that work be paid or unpaid. God forbid we do both, work and feel-It’s all tied to a capitalist “white rabbit” we’re taught to follow.
Although I never voiced it directly like you did, reading this really brought me back to some of my experiences in academia. Like you, I was in a field that was supposed to be about building a more just and equitable world. But the academic structures containing that work were full of the problems of individualistic ambition and neoliberal capitalism, often hidden due to the obvious conflict with what the research we were trying to do was supposed to be about. This created profoundly unloving and disrespectful environments, and I really appreciate you sharing your perspective on these kind of working environments! I hope we both find more caring working environments!
Oooof! The way we hide our motives and ambitions if they may not align with the stated values of our work. That’s so important, Laney. Thank you for that reflection.
I know I’m guilty of indulging too much in my own ambition as well- trying to let that go while also figuring out how to have a job and all that (sigh). Thank you for the piece ! Although it wasn’t about academia, it made me feel a bit more sure about my choice to (at least try and mostly) leave academic work
First, thank you for being honest because the legal profession starts gaslighting you from the day you step foot on a law school campus, and never stops. Second, what’s wild to me is that you held up a mirror to other lawyers, people professionally trained to look at detail, nuance, and to solve problems, and they said nope! That level of willful avoidance of the truth doesn’t end with you, what have their clients lost? Who else is suffering?
I was also just editing a set of stories today about the decision to go to law school and what the very first day (orientation) felt like. Gaslighting is iiittt.
Thank you for sharing, Tifanei. I appreciate how you write and your insistence on love—even in environments where love may not be as conducive. I relate with that. Hoping we can continue to carve spaces where love is valued.
Tifanei, work is not a family, work doesn’t ever love you back, and if you leave that work, no matter how essential you were, no matter how much extra time, effort and love you put into the work, no matter how much your colleagues loved you; two weeks after you leave, your place will be filled and you will be forgotten.
It’s not about culture or color, work chews up white people just as effectively. Nonprofits are the worst, because ‘we are all united for a cause’, just gives them an excuse to pay you less and work you harder.
I’m here to validate how you feel. But, expecting to find community, love, empathy, humanity at work … it’s not going to happen.
Work is important, doing good things is important, whether it’s driving a bus or litigating a case. But work isn’t a life.
What happened to you, happens all the time. All your work colleagues were probably echoing your sentiments privately and then didn’t know you after you spoke up.
When you work, you are part of a machine, and the only thing that machine cares about is the product, everything else and everyone else are just cogs in the machine.
The solution… you can go back to work in a machine, more prepared to give it the professional part of you, a business transaction, arms length, no one owes anyone else anything. Or, you can make your own machine. Your rules, your teams. Make your own business doing what seems right to you.
Don’t give up though. You made it through law school, you passed the bar. Make your life the way you want it to look. Maybe instead of big flashy cases, you can take small cases, important to the people who need help. Both kinds of work are needed.
Don’t let a disappointment stop you from realising the life you want.
Thank you, Julie, for taking such careful time to reply.
The career is over. I became a lawyer, not to have a particular lifestyle, but to effect change. And what I witnessed and experienced taught me that the legal system cannot fit within my theory of change for myself or anyone I love.
Tiffanei, I hate to see your promise extinguished by some bad actors. If you hated the law and dont want to pursue it, then I’ll shut up and fold my tents. But if you liked the law EXCEPT for this experience; take another look.
Human rights violations take place ALL the time. Every day, the person living in subsidized housing with a manager raising the rent illegally, immigrants trying to get legal being charged $10,000 to $25,000 a person for a green card, persons of color being badly treated by schools.
I see people in my small life, that if they could get timely help it would make all the difference in their lives. I don’t know it is something you want, but that is the great unmet need. The kid that goes to the youth authority for lack of early representation, the family homeless because a manager wants to give the apartment to a friend…
You could be there for these people, you could change their lives. And over time you change the world. Suddenly underserved and voiceless people have a place for their questions and a voice for their trouble.
You might not get rich in a monetary sense, but you will be rich in other ways far more rewarding than material goods. Think about it, don’t throw all your hard work away, don’t let someone else’s bad behaviour control your life choices.
Julie: I practiced civil rights law for nearly ten years. I'll share more about my experiences and wisdom in time. And I'll be curious if you'll come to understand my decision as you join me.
I understand your decision (I believe) I made the same decision (to leave a career) for similar reasons after 30 years… it’s not an easy one to make. You sounded much younger than I so I wanted to encourage you… best of luck to you, and I will keep reading!
I think the sentiment is often the same, there's just gaps in ideology which often times can be something that our world views have been built on, and so, hard to dissect and see flaws in. Like from this post, unwillingness comes from some discomfort that is a big part of not just change but confrontation of what it means to be a part of a machine that has destroyed lives (or in your case, part of a team that you might be failing by not embracing this discomfort). When it comes down to it the marginalized have faced fatal, deadly challenges and injuries - that's harsh. Entitlement is hard to ungrasp, and reconstruct even when sentiments of justice exists. And comparatively, this struggle is miniscule, but so is most people's thresholds compared to those who've lived under the consequence of this entitlement.
The nuance that you spell out here is really speaking to my heart. I thought so often that fear of conflict might actually be a part of the oppressive harm my colleagues endured—they were just responding differently than I did, and tbh that made me feel like a failure—like I couldn’t figure out a way to create or encourage an environment that offered healing and new perspectives.
I didn’t realise this posted as an independent comment oops. I think people have to come to those conclusions on their own even when they see the truth spelled out many times, which is unfortunate. A professional relationship can’t cross the boundaries set up to be just that, professional, which is why I think you couldn’t get through :( hopefully she can find a friend that’s more willing, and effects her so! But don’t blame yourself, maybe you planted the roots that would sprout into realisation when she reaches the moment she needs to reach to become more aware of these ambiguous seeming truths. Those are waiting to activate, valuable, pockets you left behind.
I’ve yet to enter a workplace with proper teams, and I don’t live in the west, but I can imagine this step must have meant so much. I think if there isn’t love in a place meant for the protection and accountability for the people, then we have truly failed to keep in sight the advertised promises of a just world. This was frustrating because I imagine unwillingness is such a frustrating and ignorant quality to not only work with, but want to work on. I’m glad you tried, and I’m glad you knew when to stop doing it, I hope you feel more fulfilled in your civil justice goals now than you did then 💚 thanks for sharing this, and you have a lovely voice with awesome narration skills 📜🕯️
I’m humbled by your perspective and encouragement. Thank you. And I think what you said was so apt, do we all even have the same definition of a just world? Could we be actually working against one another?
Thank you for sharing this. It brought me back to moments when I was asked to champion sweeping values and lead grand initiatives while struggling with how things were actually carried out in practice. I have luckily always had supportive teams — and so your story is harder to bear — but being told to lead when you feel like you have such little ability to is a pain in and of itself. I hope your next chapter is meaningful and abundant; I’m looking forward to following along!
Precisely that, it can be demoralizing and layers onto so much of already difficult work of pushing change. And thank you! I receive that 🥰
This is such an important conversation - working within systems that were never designed for us. That actually was designed on a foundation of abuse and dehumanizing Black and Indigenous people. I’ve held the belief now for years that it’s impossible to work in these systems without sacrificing parts of your mental health. And I would even say soul. And yet, we still live in a capitalistic construct, so what is the alternative especially for those who don’t align with entrepreneurial work. I wonder what it would look like to let it all crash and burn. Then build something new that is rooted in love. This would require yet even more sacrifice of Black people……
Tavinnaaa! Yes! I love how provocative your reflections are. Thank you. I’m stuck on your last sentence about sacrifice, I’m wondering what part of our identities do we have to sacrifice in order to become free over and over again. I know when I quit my job it is was absolutely a sacrifice, full of grief and loneliness, but I have no regrets, even as the future is unclear.
Your posts have really been igniting and inspiring me. Thank you for sharing. I love that you highlight how freedom is this constant cycle. "Sacrificing parts of our identities," feels more like ego deaths which does lead to more freedom......I like this reframe. I can empathize with the grief and loneliness that comes from quitting your job. Is the loneliness from creating a career path that doesn't exist? It's brave to do this and I applaud you for this!
Tifanei, Thank you for writing this. I have had several ego deaths and rebirths in life and career. One thing rings true. We go through life believing that we must break our backs for systems that are designed to erase our heartfelt humanity even the ones that claim to serve it. We’re meant to work, not feel. Whether that work be paid or unpaid. God forbid we do both, work and feel-It’s all tied to a capitalist “white rabbit” we’re taught to follow.
Thank you for witnessing me and sharing your wisdom, Shondra. You’re absolutely right. The system is not deceiving, it’s consistent in its harm.
I hate the disdain for truth and love your colleagues showed but am grateful that you've turned your story into art.
You read this beautifully as well 👏🏽
Thank you so much, Jamal. 🥹
Although I never voiced it directly like you did, reading this really brought me back to some of my experiences in academia. Like you, I was in a field that was supposed to be about building a more just and equitable world. But the academic structures containing that work were full of the problems of individualistic ambition and neoliberal capitalism, often hidden due to the obvious conflict with what the research we were trying to do was supposed to be about. This created profoundly unloving and disrespectful environments, and I really appreciate you sharing your perspective on these kind of working environments! I hope we both find more caring working environments!
Oooof! The way we hide our motives and ambitions if they may not align with the stated values of our work. That’s so important, Laney. Thank you for that reflection.
I know I’m guilty of indulging too much in my own ambition as well- trying to let that go while also figuring out how to have a job and all that (sigh). Thank you for the piece ! Although it wasn’t about academia, it made me feel a bit more sure about my choice to (at least try and mostly) leave academic work
First, thank you for being honest because the legal profession starts gaslighting you from the day you step foot on a law school campus, and never stops. Second, what’s wild to me is that you held up a mirror to other lawyers, people professionally trained to look at detail, nuance, and to solve problems, and they said nope! That level of willful avoidance of the truth doesn’t end with you, what have their clients lost? Who else is suffering?
Wow, Carmelia. That’s right! Who else is suffering?
I was also just editing a set of stories today about the decision to go to law school and what the very first day (orientation) felt like. Gaslighting is iiittt.
Thank you for sharing, Tifanei. I appreciate how you write and your insistence on love—even in environments where love may not be as conducive. I relate with that. Hoping we can continue to carve spaces where love is valued.
Thank you for being here, Alex. And yes, here’s to never settling for anything less.
Tifanei, work is not a family, work doesn’t ever love you back, and if you leave that work, no matter how essential you were, no matter how much extra time, effort and love you put into the work, no matter how much your colleagues loved you; two weeks after you leave, your place will be filled and you will be forgotten.
It’s not about culture or color, work chews up white people just as effectively. Nonprofits are the worst, because ‘we are all united for a cause’, just gives them an excuse to pay you less and work you harder.
I’m here to validate how you feel. But, expecting to find community, love, empathy, humanity at work … it’s not going to happen.
Work is important, doing good things is important, whether it’s driving a bus or litigating a case. But work isn’t a life.
What happened to you, happens all the time. All your work colleagues were probably echoing your sentiments privately and then didn’t know you after you spoke up.
When you work, you are part of a machine, and the only thing that machine cares about is the product, everything else and everyone else are just cogs in the machine.
The solution… you can go back to work in a machine, more prepared to give it the professional part of you, a business transaction, arms length, no one owes anyone else anything. Or, you can make your own machine. Your rules, your teams. Make your own business doing what seems right to you.
Don’t give up though. You made it through law school, you passed the bar. Make your life the way you want it to look. Maybe instead of big flashy cases, you can take small cases, important to the people who need help. Both kinds of work are needed.
Don’t let a disappointment stop you from realising the life you want.
Thank you, Julie, for taking such careful time to reply.
The career is over. I became a lawyer, not to have a particular lifestyle, but to effect change. And what I witnessed and experienced taught me that the legal system cannot fit within my theory of change for myself or anyone I love.
Tiffanei, I hate to see your promise extinguished by some bad actors. If you hated the law and dont want to pursue it, then I’ll shut up and fold my tents. But if you liked the law EXCEPT for this experience; take another look.
Human rights violations take place ALL the time. Every day, the person living in subsidized housing with a manager raising the rent illegally, immigrants trying to get legal being charged $10,000 to $25,000 a person for a green card, persons of color being badly treated by schools.
I see people in my small life, that if they could get timely help it would make all the difference in their lives. I don’t know it is something you want, but that is the great unmet need. The kid that goes to the youth authority for lack of early representation, the family homeless because a manager wants to give the apartment to a friend…
You could be there for these people, you could change their lives. And over time you change the world. Suddenly underserved and voiceless people have a place for their questions and a voice for their trouble.
You might not get rich in a monetary sense, but you will be rich in other ways far more rewarding than material goods. Think about it, don’t throw all your hard work away, don’t let someone else’s bad behaviour control your life choices.
Julie: I practiced civil rights law for nearly ten years. I'll share more about my experiences and wisdom in time. And I'll be curious if you'll come to understand my decision as you join me.
I understand your decision (I believe) I made the same decision (to leave a career) for similar reasons after 30 years… it’s not an easy one to make. You sounded much younger than I so I wanted to encourage you… best of luck to you, and I will keep reading!
Thank you. And much love to your younger self. 🤍🤍🤍
I think the sentiment is often the same, there's just gaps in ideology which often times can be something that our world views have been built on, and so, hard to dissect and see flaws in. Like from this post, unwillingness comes from some discomfort that is a big part of not just change but confrontation of what it means to be a part of a machine that has destroyed lives (or in your case, part of a team that you might be failing by not embracing this discomfort). When it comes down to it the marginalized have faced fatal, deadly challenges and injuries - that's harsh. Entitlement is hard to ungrasp, and reconstruct even when sentiments of justice exists. And comparatively, this struggle is miniscule, but so is most people's thresholds compared to those who've lived under the consequence of this entitlement.
The nuance that you spell out here is really speaking to my heart. I thought so often that fear of conflict might actually be a part of the oppressive harm my colleagues endured—they were just responding differently than I did, and tbh that made me feel like a failure—like I couldn’t figure out a way to create or encourage an environment that offered healing and new perspectives.
I didn’t realise this posted as an independent comment oops. I think people have to come to those conclusions on their own even when they see the truth spelled out many times, which is unfortunate. A professional relationship can’t cross the boundaries set up to be just that, professional, which is why I think you couldn’t get through :( hopefully she can find a friend that’s more willing, and effects her so! But don’t blame yourself, maybe you planted the roots that would sprout into realisation when she reaches the moment she needs to reach to become more aware of these ambiguous seeming truths. Those are waiting to activate, valuable, pockets you left behind.